Assassin Party
by Michael McDoesn'texist
Summary: All of the Assassins gather for a wild party! Friendships will be made, hearts will be broken and people will be offended in this quality shitpost by yours truly.
1. Chapter 1

**_The first AC story I wrote did well, in my opinion. So, more shitposts everybody!_**

* * *

"All right. Everything's set up nice and wonderful! Let the guests arrive!" Desmond said after he finished decorating the living room. He was holding a party for all the Assassin's of all era's.

As if someone had heard him say everything was done, the door rang and Desmond walked to the door. He wondered who it was first. The Assassins usually brought eachother along, or their buddies.

Desmond opened up.

"Of course. The only one who would be right on time!" He exclaimed.

"Hello Desmond." Haytham said as he walked in. "Shay will be here in a couple of minutes, he's parking the carriage."

A loud crash was heard as he said that, followed by the shreeking of a woman and an explosion.

Desmond and Haytham peeked outside, semi-alarmed. Shay came around the corner, running as if the Devil himself was on his heels.

"HOLD THE DOOR OPEN!" He yelled and he sprinted towards Desmond's house. The Assassin dashed into the house and Desmond and Haytham slammed the door shut after him.

"GOD DAMNIT SHAY! I ONLY JUST BOUGHT THAT DAMN THING!" Haytham yelled.

"Well, this is partially your own fault Haytham, the same thing happened last year..." Desmond said.

Shay got up quickly and dusted off his robes. "The man's right you know?" he said and smirked at Haytham.

Before the colonist could react in any way, there was another knock at the door.

"Must be the next guest!" Desmond said. He walked to the door and opened it.

"ALTAÏR!" He cried out and stepped outside to hug his oldest ancestor.

"How are you Desmond?" Altaïr Ibn-gotta-go-fast asked.

"Well, certainly a lot better since..."

"You do know I don't really care right? Fuck off." Altaïr said, cutting Desmond off. He ended the embrace and entered the house, leaving Desmond outside.

"Ah, I see that half of the colonial cunts has already shown up!" He said as he entered the living room and saw Haytham and Shay still arguing.

"Hello Altaïr!" Haytham said. "The years have been kind."

"Hey Altaïr!" Shay said and he shook the medieval Assassin's hand. "How's the mrs.?" He asked.

"Which one?" Altaïr asked.

"Uh... nevermind..." Shay said.

"Well come on men!" Desmond said, clasping his hands together. "Let's get this party started already!"

* * *

Half an hour later, the group was playing beer pong when they all heard a loud crash outside.

"What in the name of God is happening out there?" Haytham asked.

Shay and Desmond walked towards the windows and peeked outside.

"Desmond, is it me, or is there a huge ass ship on the sidewalk?" Shay asked.

"No, you're not seeing things, there is indeed a ship on the sidewalk. Not a place you'd expect it to be though..." Desmond muttered.

The four Assassins walked outside and were greeted by shouting.

"FOR FUCK'S SAKE KENWAY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A SAILOR!"

"MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T BRING SO MANY LASSES WITH YA, I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN DISTRACTED EZIO SPAGHETTIO!"

"STOP BICKERING, THIS IS NOT SOLVING OUR PROBLEM!"

"SHUT UP ADÉ!"

"YOU WANNA GO DOWN NIGGA? COME AT ME!"

By this time, Desmond had pulled a camera out of his ass and started recording the scene displayed in front of them. Altaïr tapped Haytham's shoulder and asked:

"That your old man?"

Haytham nodded.

"Dude, isn't this somewhat emberassing?" Shay wondered.

"I've gotten used to it by now." The colonist replied.

Finally, Edward noticed the four of them standing on the street.

"Ahoy mates! Let me just untangle these fellas and we'll come down!" He yelled and pointed at Adéwalé and Ezio who were fighting eachother with whips.

"Gentlemen, please." He said. "You're scaring the girls."

Ezio looked up from Adé, whom he held in a tight grip.

"Oh, that's bad!" He said and he let go of Edward's quartermaster and went below decks. Edward heard some italian mumbling and out came Ezio with a bunch of courtisanes.

"Did you have to bring so many women with you man?" Edward asked.

"What can I say, I like my girls in large numbers." Ezio responded.

Adé groaned and jumped of the Jackdaw, followed by Captain Kenway and Ezio.

"Salute Desmond!" Ezio said and he shook the host's hand. "I took the liberty to bring some girls with me in case some of us started to get bored."

"Thanks Ezio!" Desmond said, before he was pushed away by Altaïr.

"EZIO SPAGHETTIO!" He exclaimed and he tightly embraced the Italian.

 _"I... hate... it... when you... call me... Ezio... Spaghettio... Altaïr!"_ Ezio muttered, almost being choked to death.

Meanwhile, Edward and Adé met up with Desmond and the other two Assassins.

"Ahoy Desmond. Shay. And of course Haytham!" Edward said.

"Father. Adé." Haytham nodded.

"Stiff as a board like you told me Captain." Adéwalé said.

"Aye. It's part of that Templar coldness I guess." Edward said.

* * *

The Assassins had returned to the living room, talking with eachother about stuff.

"Any adventures in the Carribbeans Edward?" Shay asked.

"Not really mate. Though I guess it's nice to just be on quiet waters once in a while." Edward replied.

Altaïr scoffed. "Don't get me started on water. I'm scared to death of it."

Adéwalé raised an eyebrow.

"Are you telling me the self-appointed greatest Assassin is afraid of water?"

Altaïr gave him a dirty look. "Yeah. Can't swim. Not being able to swim plus water usually equals drowning, which is a way of dying. Dying is not one of my hobbies per se. Got a problem with that?"

"It just amuses me. The idea that something as simple as water can frighten a man." Adé said.

Altaïr's face slowly became red.

"But still, I am the greatest Assassin in this group. Do not forget that!" He quietly said.

"'Scuse me, I want to object!" Ezio said and he joined the group.

"Whachoo want Ezio?" Shay asked.

"Well, if you listen to the community, the best Assassin would be me, Ezio Auditore di fallafel e pizze de pasta."

"First of all, racist. Second, what community? Third, are you even listening to yourself rich boy?" Altaïr said as he raised from his seat, trying to bulk over Ezio.

The Italian retorted with: "First, not if I'm making remarks about myself. Second, I was refering to the huge nerds who play these games. And third, I know very well what I'm saying. Wanna fight about it?"

Altaïr was about to say something when another knock on the door broke the tension.

"I wonder who's next!" Desmond said. He put down his bottle of beer and walked to the door. He opened it and saw Arno in the doorway, holding a basket of baguettes.

"Bonsoir Desmond!" He said and handed the basket over.

"Hey Arno, thanks for bringing some bread, I completely forgot to get them." Desmond said, taking the basket.

"Hmmm, they smell amazing!" He added.

Suddenly, two Assassins landed next to Arno on both sides. A man and a woman.

"Cheers Frenchy!" Jakob Frye said and he grabbed one of the baguettes. "It's good you remembered Evie gets cranky if she doesn't eat her carbs."

Evie grabbed another baguette out of the basket and struck Jakob's head.

"Shut up!" She said, then placed the baguette back.

"Good evening Desmond!" She then said and shook his hand.

"Hey Evie. Jakob." Desmond said.

"Well are we just gonna stand out here or are we going inside to party?" Jakob asked.

"Or are we still waiting for someone?" Arno asked.

"Let's see, Altaïr, Ezio, Haytham, Edward, Adé, Shay and the three of you. That's everyone!" Desmond said.

* * *

Later, Desmond's house was turned upside down. Everyone was chatting, drinking, playing games, dancing to the music and just generally having fun.

Eventually, the Assassins started a little game. To see who could finish an entire bottle of booze the fastest. With Desmond as a referee, everybody took their positions with a bottle of whiskey.

"We've got this in the bag Adé!" Edward whispered.

"Aye, sailors are known for their ability to drink as much as they want. Part of a pirate's life."

Altaïr overheard the conversation and said: "Just you watch!"

Meanwhile, Desmonf had prepared his stopwatch.

"Lady and gentlemen. Ready. Set. DRINK!"

Almost simultaniously, the Assassins opened their bottles and brought then over to their mouths. Except for Haytham, who grabbed a glass, poured in a small amount of whiskey and slowly took a sip.

"Haytham, you're aware this is a competition right?" Desmond said.

"I know. But I strongly believe one should ENJOY their drink rather then downing it as quick as possible. If that means I lose at some silly game, than I am fine with that." Haytham explained and he carried on.

Ezio, who was next to him, stopped gulping to catch his breath.

"Mama mia, this is not... really..." Ezio stopped and then crashed down on the table face first. A loud snorring followed. Arno noticed and almost choked on his liqour.

"HAHAHAHAHA! FUCKING LIGHTWEIGHT EZIO!" He yelled.

Shay had also stopped to take a breather.

"Damn, this is hard!" He coughed and then went on.

Altaïr and Edward were having a neck-on-neck race. Adé had stopped drinking in amazement. Eventually, Altaïr threw his bottle on the table, completely empty.

"YES! THE GREATEST ASSASSIN ALIVE HAS WON!" He exclaimed happily. Then he turned to Jakob and Evie.

"Oh you have got to be..." He said.

In the time it took him to finish his entire bottle, the twins had managed to down FIVE bottles. Each!

"Welp. I guess we have a winner. Or, two winners."

Ezio shot up and muttered: "Wait did I win?"

* * *

 _ **Will Altaïr restore his lost honor? Who will turn out to be the best Assassin of them all? Why am I asking you these questions? And finally, why does Origins have to be so darn expensive? All this and more, in the following chapter.**_


	2. Chapter 2

**Taking a month to update because I can**

* * *

After that little thing happened, the Assassin's decided to play another game: whoever could climb Desmond's house the fastest would be declared the best of the best in Assassining.

The Assassin's gathered outside and Jakob cracked his knuckles.

"Alright lads. Thanks for joining me and Evie for some competition, but we've got this in the bag."

"Uuuuhm the fuck u wot m8?" Shay asked.

"You DO know that I am the best climber of the bunch right? And by the way, without your grappling hook, you can't climb shit!"

"Wait we can't use hooks?" Jakob asked. Evie smashed his head again.

"'Course not you daft bimbo! We have to do this by ourselves!"

"Shiiiieeet I didn't know that!" Jakob said.

"How many times do I have to tell you peasants that I am the best Assassin around here?" Altaïr yelled.

Evie struck his head as well.

"SHUT UP ALTY!" She yelled in his ear.

"Thank you Evie, maybe now he'll be quiet and witness me, the great Ezio Auditore Pizza di Pasta e Pesto Ferrarri, claim the title of the bestest Assassin in the world!" Ezio said. He too got some from Evie.

"Lady and Gentlemen please!" Desmond said.

"Keep things civil, we don't want to..."

"SHUT UP BITCH!" All the Assassins yelled in unision.

"Alright lads, I will ignite the cannon, as soon as it fires, we climb are going to climb this landlubber's house." Edward said.

But because he was an idiot, he had already ignited the cannon and it shot a huge BALL right into the neighbour's house. The cannon also jumped back, completely destroying Edward's cock n bollocks. Not that anyone was paying attention, all the Assassins had started climbing like mad.

All except for Arno.

"Arno, wyd?" Desmond asked.

"Hm? Oh don't worry ami, things will be fine." Arno assured him. Edward rushed past him with one hand groping his nuts and the other hand reached out for anything he could grasp on the wall.

Meanwhile, the climb was getting quite hectic. Altaïr was far behind because he tried to climb so fast, he fell on his ass once and wept like a little bitch on the ground. Shay was trying to discourage his competitors by shouting insults at them. "HEY ADÉWALÉ!" he yelled and the black boi looked down.

"What did the nignog say to the police officer before he got arrested? Do you have the time officer?"

Adé didn't really get the remark, but he could smell it was racist, which triggered his black-guy-instinct and he dropped down on Shay with a loud

 _AUHOOUWHUUWHAUAHUOUOWUAAAA!_

They crashed on the floor right on top of Altaïr, who was still crying.

Ezio laughed. He was halfway to the roof, with Evie right above him. He looked up with a look of determination on his face, but that expression soon changed as he looked right up some place most Italians spend years searching for.

"Mama Mia!" He said, saliva dropping from his chin.

" _OI! THAT'S MY SISTER YA TWAT!_ " Jakob roared and he lunged at Ezio, grasping his shoulders for grip.

" _ARE YOU MAD?_ " Ezio yelled.

" _I CAN'T HOLD ON LIKE THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSS_ "

Ezio let go of the building and dropped to the ground along with Jakob, landing in between Shay, who was fighting with Adéwalé and Altaïr, who was on the floor in a fetal position, sucking his thumb.

Evie didn't take time to look down. She was almost at the top. But as soon as she reached for the edge of the roof, she felt a hand close around her foot. She looked down and saw Edward with a devilish grin on his face.

"End o' the line lass!" He said and with that, he yanked Evie of the building, sending her towards the ground where she landed on Ezio's face, completely obliterating his nose in the process.

"HAR HAR! VICTORY IS MINE!" Edward cried out. He reached for the edge of the roof when suddenly, he too felt a hand close around his foot.

"Sorry Father, can't let you win that easily I'm afraid." Haytham said calmly before throwing the pirate to the ground right next to Arno.

The frenchman shielded his eyes from the wooden teeth that flew into the air as Edward's back collided with the pavement.

"Alright, time to get to work then!" Arno said and he cracked his knuckles. He then dashed towards the wall and practically flew up the building.

Meanwhile, Haytham had pulled himself up onto the roof and took a moment to breath.

"*huff* No need to rush things I suppose..." He said and he looked down at the mayhem below. But then he noticed Arno jumping up the building as if someone was pulling him up by a couple of strings.

"Oh shit." Haytham said and he turned around. The finish was right there, the chimney was the highest point of the house. He made a run for it, but when he came close, he saw a pair of hands grabbing the edge of the chimney. He realised he was too late as the winner pulled himself up.

"Desmond?" He asked.

"Yeah, surprised to see me?" Desmond retorted.

"Well I didn't see you here just now..."

"That's because I knew you were going to try to kill eachother, so I just took the stairs and climbed the rest on the other side of the house lol." Desmond laughed.

About then, Arno lunged on top of the roof and saw Desmond standing on the chimney.

"PUTAIN! How did you get there so fast?"

* * *

Back in the house, tensions were high between the Assassins. Shay and Adé had almost killed eachother if Haytham hadn't split them up, Ezio had almost used an entire box of tissues to stop all the blood from flowing out of his nose, Desmond and Arno were laughing at Altaïr and Evie tried to stop Jakob from bashing Edward's face in.

Suddenly, the fights were interupted by the door slamming open. Everybody looked up as smoke filled the living room.

"By the Precursor Race, what the hell is that?" Altaïr said.

"I'm not mentally prepared for mysteries today." Ezio stammered.

"NOW I'M NERVOUS!" Shay squeaked and he jumped through the window.

"I'm following him, the black guy always gets killed first!" Adéwalé said and he jumped through another window.

Haytham remained calm and stepped forward.

"Who is this?" He asked into the cloud of smoke. He remained stern and serious until suddenly the barrel of an assault rifle was shoved into his face by a man wearing brown leather gloves.

"Fuck this!" Haytham said and he jumped through a third window.

The remaining Assassins stayed put as the smoke slowly cleared, revealing...

" _AJAY GHALE?_ " Everybody yelled in unision.

"Oh, sorry, wrong Ubisoft game." Ajay said as he lowered his rifle.

"Uhm, I actually had to go to Pagan Min's fort for god knows what, but I think I may have taken a wrong turn somewhere..."

After Desmond gave him the directions, Ajay payed him for the windows he indirectly damaged and left.

Edward walked over to the broken windows and called out the three Assassins who had jumped into conveniently placed haystacks.

"Get out ya cowards, 't was only an Indian kid..."

* * *

Back inside, the fighting resumed. Altaïr's ego was damaged, which of course meant insults were being thrown around.

"Spaghetti-muncher!"

"Jerusalem Jerk-stain"

"Baguette-eater"

"Crusading cunt"

"Drunk Jack Sparrow"

"Drunk Richard the Lionheart"

"Bitch"

"Pussy"

"Ni- ok that's perhaps a bit too much"

"Pickle Rick"

"STOP!" Desmond said, hoping he could still get the situation under control. But Altaïr kept ranting without pausing.

"YOU ARE ALL JUST JEALOUS!"

"NONSENSE, WE ARE ALL EQUALLY SKILLED AND IF NOT, AT THE VERY LEAST WE ARE MORE SKILLED THAN YOU ARE!"

"OH YEAH? WELL I STILL HAVE ONE THING YOU DO _NOT_ HAVE!"

Altaïr ripped his robes off and exposed his ramadingledangledongle for everyone to see.

"For crying out loud!" Haytham yelled as he turned away in disgust.

"That is just tiny!" Ezio said.

"Oh yeah? How large is you little penne than?" Altaïr shouted.

Suddenly, the door was kicked in once more. Everybody turned to face the person in the doorway, except for Altaïr, who quickly covered himself up again.

"What is HE doing here?" Shay asked.

"CONNOR WE DIDN'T INVITE YOU!" Desmond yelled.

The Native American came stomping into the living room and pointed his finger at Desmond.

"How dare you not invite me over! I am the most important Assassin in the world! I have done more for the world than anyone of you!" Connor spat.

"And as a punishment for your betrayal, I have brought some guests along."

"Who then?" Jakob asked.

"Aliens." Connor replied.

And then a huge UFO crashed down onto earth and kidnapped all the Assassins. They were brought over to their planet where they were forced into slave labour and prostitution. Including Connor, who was betrayed by the aliens immediatly after they arrived at their planet. Thanks to the Assassins the alien race thrived and after 30 years of constant work, rape and honey being smeared all over their assholes, the Assassins had to witness the aliens take over Earth and force the rest of the world into slave labour as well. But that all changed when the Fire Nation attacked with their fire magic and started a rebellion. Everybody learned these fire powers and eventually general Ajay -who just so happened to be there again- succeeded in killing the alien king. Under his rule, black people repopulated the planet and world peace was achieved within no time.

And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Connor who still got a spanking from Haytham and Edward.

* * *

 **That was some damn good tea lemme tell ya. Now I have got to install microwave ovens and deliver custom kitchens, after which I must move refrigerators and colour-tv's.**

 **Cheers**


End file.
